Giving Yourself Permission

 learning, life, Thoughts  2 Responses »
Nov 172010
 

I wrote last night about the Myers-Briggs personality test, and my (and seemingly all of my blogging friends) results –ENFJ. Which means our test answers expressed us as: Extroverts, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging. To be fair to the true J’s out there, I’m only slightly “Judging” – which, my research leads me to believe means that I’m a big fan of organization and order but not always an active participant. I can buy that.

So, it’s fun to Google your four-letter designation. It’s fun to see that a slew of famous people would have answered in kind. And it’s good to see that my Biblical hero, David took time out of his busy day as King to take himself a Myers-Briggs test. I’m proud to have been sewn of similar fabric.

But, after reading all things Myers-Briggs, I’m left with another question.

What now?

What do we do now that we know we aren’t alone? That now, we might have some explanation for our past failings and idiosyncrasies. Because those things are nice to know; I believe it’s important to know that there’s others out there wired just like you. But that’s only part of our development; it’s only halfway through the journey. Effectively, that brings us to… now. And, now is pretty important.

I’ve found profound value in the Myers-Briggs system, but by no means do I believe it’s an exhaustive inventory of our inclinations or unalterable itinerary of our futures. I think its greatest significance lies in being a resource for giving us an unbiased (and, sometimes uncanny) look into our moving parts.

To be sure, there’s healing found in looking into the past, but you can’t drive forward while looking in the rear-view mirror. Knowing that I’m an ENFJ who struggles with taking things personally loosens up some of the strings of guilt I’d tied to so many situations but, I drive a Subaru, not a DeLorean, so I can hope that others have forgiven me, but I’m powerless to change what’s happened.

So, what now? What do we do with this insight?

A friend once told me that “giving himself permission to be the guy who starts things” was one of best realizations of his life. He’d punished himself for years because he chose a less-than-glamorous profession and couldn’t understand why he struggled so much to finish projects. It poisoned his position; he couldn’t find contentment. So, in finding this kind of psychological community, he ultimately found self-respect in recognizing his role as “the guy who starts things” and responsibility to be exactly that.

I’m working on having that posture as well. I’m a starter, I’m an encourager. I’m a doer, but I get bored easily. I hate details and I struggle with routine.

And, that’s okay. No, it’s better than okay, it’s perfect, because that’s who I’ve been designed to be. I know I’ve frustrated people because I don’t live in the details, and I’m not much of a planner – but, oh, let me tell you about my ideas. I want to come to accept that my inspiration is front-loaded, that I’m happiest in the beginning of projects and it takes true and forced effort to finish them. I’m working towards being proud of that. Of course, stuff needs doing, and I’m working towards that as well, but it’s important to unload the burden of living someone else’s life.

So, what now?

Now, we give ourselves permission to be who we are.

 Posted by SeanDurham at 10:11 pm  Tagged with: , ,

The Wrong Room Altogether

 decisions, learning, life, life is epic, manhood, sean durham  3 Responses »
Jul 142010
 

What do I do with my life?

If you haven’t asked this of yourself at some point within the past month (week?) – you’re one of the lucky ones. Maybe you’ve discovered your destination and you’ve firmed a determined path, good for you. I hope you drink expired milk. For the rest of us, life feels something like feeling the walls for the lightswitch in a dark room.

It’s funny though, (or maybe not funny, depending on how long you’ve suffered through this interrogation of introspection) Anytime I’ve asked this question of myself, half of me (the lesser half, to be sure) is looking for God himself to give me career advice.

“Just scribble it in the sky or something, big guy”

And so I remain, discontented and resentful towards a God who, apparently, I can’t trust with the affairs of my professional future.

But thats a small order for an infinite God who loves infinitely. And a really tall order for an occupation. Maybe we’ve just got it all backwards. And maybe we aren’t supposed to be defined by our jobs. Maybe our identity is found somewhere else, somewhere bigger.

Maybe it’s less about what you “do” with your life and more about the person you become. Maybe there’s no lightswitch at all. Maybe we’re just in the wrong room altogether.

 Posted by SeanDurham at 9:35 pm  Tagged with: ,

On Teaching.

 fake your death, learning, teaching  No Responses »
Jun 102009
 

Today marks my last day with students in the classroom. I’ve resisted the impending last-day nostalgia so far, though I suspect in a month or two it will creep in and I’ll spend four days in continuous cringing at memories of lame jokes and accidental culturally insensitive remarks. But, there will be far more to be proud of.

Starting a new job on Monday feels like I’m getting divorced on Friday and remarried to an entirely new woman next week. I’ll have the weekend to process and grieve. Really though, she’s not new. She’s who I’ve known and thought about for the past few years, it’s a comfortable fit, though I’m still a little nervous; I wonder if our hands will still fit together the same way.

Teaching, for me, has transcended traditional connotation of “employment.” It’s been a vacation from the social expectations of “job.” I can say without hesitation that there hasn’t been a day I’ve dreaded coming in.

To be sure, I probably haven’t been a real teacher, something more of an observer getting paid and treated like a real teacher. I’m much more interested in conversation and inspiration than curriculum and grading. Probably not the stuff of real teachers.

I think I’ve cheated the system. I know honestly that I’ve learned more than I’ve taught. When I think about it, most of the past two years flashes before me like a movie-montage set to bad (Read: Awesome) 80′s music. I’m going to work on capturing as many memories as possible before they’re stolen by time and coming priorities.

Some of the most profound realizations:

They’re smarter than me. Any teacher would be amiss to think that students are the only ones learning. I learn from 150+ people a day. Each student has a story. Some good, some bad but these stories are, for the most part, true. To not learn from that would be an exponential waste of time.

They Remember. I remember halfway through last year, a student repeated a phrase I used on the first day of school. That moment changed me. He never knew the impact, after all, he was just being a good student, but it was defining for me. God used that moment in ways neither I nor that student can fully understand. Our words matter.

Teaching is hard. Teaching is freaking hard. Teaching is seriously hard. But it’s big and it’s good and it’s worth it. I honestly feel that after this, I’ll be fine anywhere.

These memories are mine. They’re my story now. I’ve been in excellent company for the past two years, and it’s tough to put words to exactly how undeserving I am, so I’ll be quiet and thankful.

 Posted by SeanDurham at 9:17 am
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